It is a popular expression in our culture that “opposites attract.” And, it is always amazing when you see the shy, withdrawn guy paired with the high energy, outgoing girl. Many of these couples find it refreshing to have a partner that adds the spark where their own personality is lacking.
The dynamic works quite differently when two very different money personalities such as the cautious saver and the gleeful spender are paired. These people meet much like any couple meets and gradually develop a deep emotional connection. T
here may be a slight recognition that one regards money in a very different respect to the other but there are so many other areas that are inviting that these signs are ignored. Initially the saver may get a charge out of the carefree nature displayed by the spender. Secretly the saver may even receive a sense of excitement being in the presence of someone as exciting as the spender. He may even harbor a secret admiration for the others ability to loosen up and be so carefree with money. The spender is able to do what the other has been unable to do in their own life and there is a vicarious living out of a fantasy.
The converse may also be the case, that the spender admires the emotional control exhibited by the saver. In a good number of cases the spender hopes the saver “will finally help me get a handle on things.” There is the unspoken desire to have the saver provide the organization that does not exist or act as the brake the spender does not seem able to apply.
A very different picture emerges once these two begin a life together. Things may go well for awhile and then the carefree nature of the spender begins to collide with money controls of the saver. The fantasy slowly begins to fade and the harsh reality of being well beyond the level of comfort becomes a nagging part of the thought process for each.
“When we first married he occasionally mentioned my buying the things but never seriously. Sure he talked about my spending but I always felt he talked about it but wanted me to have things. He always seemed proud of the way I looked when we went out with friends so I really didn’t pay it much attention. But now it is all we argue about.”
Matt and Jill met while he was still attending college and she had landed a job as an executive secretary. As she put it, they met at a party and just seemed to click. They dated for almost a year commuting between cities that were 60 miles apart. They decided to marry during Matt’s final year in college and she provided him with her credit card to pay for gas for travel while she set up their new apartment.
“He didn’t have credit cards of his own but always seemed to have money for the things we wanted to do. Giving him my credit card for travel back and forth was a gesture of my trust and appreciation. And then I started getting these huge credit card bills and the charges were always at gas stations which was strange because he drove a small car. He finally admitted that he was buying gas for his buddies and letting them pay him for the purchase in cash. That I could understand, but $3000 in two month!”
It was only when they came in for counseling that Matt admitted he always found ways to get the things he wanted but never saw it as out of control spending. Jill, on the other hand, admitted she had witnessed this behavior while they were dating, liked the fact that they were having fun, and simply thought he would change once they married. She had always been careful with money and now found herself stressed to whittle down the charges on her account.
Now that we have laid the ground work of money personalities, the next series of posts will focus on recognizing your particular type and ways to begin to rework the script.
It is a popular expression in our culture that “opposites attract.” And, it is always amazing when you see the shy, withdrawn guy paired with the high energy, outgoing girl. Many of these couples find it refreshing to have a partner that adds the spark where their own personality is lacking.
The dynamic works quite differently when two very different money personalities such as the cautious saver and the gleeful spender are paired. These people meet much like any couple meets and gradually develop a deep emotional connection. There may be a slight recognition that one regards money in a very different respect to the other but there are so many other areas that are inviting that these signs are ignored. Initially the saver may get a charge out of the carefree nature displayed by the spender. Secretly the saver may even receive a sense of excitement being in the presence of someone as exciting as the spender. He may even harbor a secret admiration for the others ability to loosen up and be so carefree with money. The spender is able to do what the other has been unable to do in their own life and there is a vicarious living out of a fantasy.
The converse may also be the case, that the spender admires the emotional control exhibited by the saver. In a good number of cases the spender hopes the saver “will finally help me get a handle on things.” There is the unspoken desire to have the saver provide the organization that does not exist or act as the brake the spender does not seem able to apply.
A very different picture emerges once these two begin a life together. Things may go well for awhile and then the carefree nature of the spender begins to collide with money controls of the saver. The fantasy slowly begins to fade and the harsh reality of being well beyond the level of comfort becomes a nagging part of the thought process for each.
“When we first married he occasionally mentioned my buying the things but never seriously. Sure he talked about my spending but I always felt he talked about it but wanted me to have things. He always seemed proud of the way I looked when we went out with friends so I really didn’t pay it much attention. But now it is all we argue about.”
Matt and Jayne met while he was still attending college and she had landed a job as an executive secretary. As she put it, they met at a party and just seemed to click. They dated for almost a year commuting between cities that were 60 miles apart. They decided to marry during Matt’s final year in college and because she helped pay for their dates when they were single she provided him with her credit card to pay for gas for travel back and forth while she set up their new apartment.
“He didn’t have credit cards of his own but always seemed to have money for the things we wanted to do. Giving him my credit card for travel back and forth was a gesture of my trust and appreciation. And then I started getting these huge credit card bills and the charges were always at gas stations which was strange because he drove a small car. He finally admitted that he was buying gas for his buddies and letting them pay him for the purchase in cash. That I could understand but $3000 in two month!”
It was only when they came in for counseling that Matt admitted he always found ways to get the things he wanted but never saw it as out of control spending. Jayne, on the other hand, also admitted she had witnessed this behavior while they were dating but like the fact that they were having fun, and simply thought he would change once they married.