What We Are Up Against continued…

Just as we are eager for others to admire the things we buy, we are doubly hesitant to discuss money difficulties. A survey conducted in 2009 by Credit Card.com Research aptly illustrates the point.

Below is a list of things that people say they are unlikely to talk openly about with someone:

81 % the amount of credit card debt
81 % details of your love life
77 % your salary
72 % the amount you pay for your monthly mortgage or rent
72 % your health problems
50% your weight

The survey demonstrates quite clearly that money is matched only by sex in terms of people’s unwillingness to discuss the subject, and we know how willing we are to discuss sex. Talking about money opens us up to feelings of being compared and for those who don’t seem to have enough of it; the subject is shrouded in stress and strain. This level of hesitation masks a great deal of shame regarding something so basic as how you exchange dollar bills.

Money is the ultimate taboo

The shame associated with money relates to how money is viewed in our society. Money is associated with privilege, competence, and most of all power. It is the preverbal key to the kingdom. Those unable to handle it generally have feelings associated with incompetence, vulnerability, and questions of self worth. Given the emotional charge of the attitudes surrounding those feelings, no one wants to admit they have difficulty dealing with something that is a major part of our day-to-day lives. However, we all from time to time have attempted to put on the cloak of money whether it was a car, a dinner, a dress, or some other item associated with being prosperous. Any attempt at lessening this impulse is met with “Just stop spending.” That response in itself carries an unspoken message that we are out of control and most people wait until their backs are against the wall before they are willing to admit that!

My memory is haunted by a couple I was seeing during an allotted 5 EAP counseling sessions. They brought up a laundry list of issues in the marriage with the wife assuming the major responsibility for making changes. We worked through some of the major points and seemed to be making progress. It was during the 4th session, which the husband declined to attend, that the wife admitted she had discovered a whole new round of outrageous credit card charges. It was only then that she disclosed she had been playing a role hoping he would own up to his out of control spending. Listen to how she describes it:

“There were times I was shocked that he would sit there and not admit what he had been doing. But, I always thought that a wife was supposed to let her husband take the lead and provide support. He seemed to be doing better, and then I found those new charges and knew this had to stop!”

This couple sat through the major portion of the sessions unable to bring themselves to discuss the real reason for seeking counseling because they did not want to discuss money. In addition to being an enabler it also highlights the lengths this woman and her husband were willing to go to remain in denial.

Denial

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. ~Groucho Marx

There is a joke among therapists that “Denial is not a river in Egypt” and while the phrase is cute it highlights the lengths we are willing to go to not see what is right in front of us. There are all manner of rationalizations that can be called upon:

“I only spend a few dollars a week on stuff”

“I wouldn’t have to sneak if you were not such a tightwad.”

“You have to spend money to make money.”

“Keeping track of every penny is just plain boring. I have a life!”

Once the truth of the situation begins to intrude, like the wife above who found her husband’s current list of credit card charges, it was telling that he no longer wished to attend counseling sessions. To give up one’s denial means the hands have to be taken from the eyes and the illusion that everything is fine is shattered. The denier now has to consider changing and this is something he or she wants to avoid. We can attempt to be rational or present a never ending list of evidence but somehow they just don’t seem to hear. In a good number of cases it takes a powerful event such as garnishments, or public embarrassment to finally get beyond the deniers thick defenses.