There have been a number of long term relationship break-ups of late from Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins (23 years) to the recent announcement from Charlize Theron and her partner of 9 years actor Stuart Townsend.
In doing a couple of marital counseling sessions recently, what came to mind is the “Engineer and the Artist” syndrome in relationships. These couples work because they are opposites and by being so compliment each other. Examples would be the shy girl who picks someone outgoing; or the very logical guy who marries the whimsical girl.
These choices indicate on some level a desire to be whole in that the other fulfills a part of themselves they are unable to master. True there are conflicts but for the most part these relationships can work when the couple finds common ground and build a relationship based on that connection. But what happens when they stop working? What happens when the engineer and the artist stop understanding the others point of view.
Ms Theron said it best when she released her statement that “(We) had become more like brother and sister than lovers.” And so I have to ask “What are you taking for granted?” The engineer thinks it is logical that his partner should know how much he cares; and the artist is hoping for the fairytale romance that never seems to arrive. They lose that important connection that holds the relationship together and drift along until one day one or the other finally just gives up.
The other day
as I was entering the grocery store a man walked out with a bouquet of flowers. I greeted him with “Someone is being nice…” His reply “And I’m not in trouble either!” Has it come down to doing something nice just to get out of trouble? When was the last time you and your partner simply laid in bed and talked? Re-establishing the connection does not have to be expensive either: When was the last time you packed a lunch and just sat in the park? Or ladies, when was the last time you made a dinner he likes or wore your hair in a style you know he favors just because?
as I was entering the grocery store a man walked out with a bouquet of flowers. I greeted him with “Someone is being nice…” His reply “And I’m not in trouble either!” Has it come down to doing something nice just to get out of trouble? When was the last time you and your partner simply laid in bed and talked? Re-establishing the connection does not have to be expensive either: When was the last time you packed a lunch and just sat in the park? Or ladies, when was the last time you made a dinner he likes or wore your hair in a style you know he favors just because?
Relationships tend to die from a million little cuts. A small gesture on a personal level provides the salve that can allow those cuts to begin to heal, while opening the lines of communication. So ask yourself “What am I taking for granted?” because it might worth it not to…
I had no idea Sarandon and Theron's relationships had ended… If irony is the right word, mine has dwindled away as well… I was told by a few that I was the one who gave to the relationship… to me it makes no difference who gave, that I may have indirectly been the factor since I don't believe in going against what I feel .. right now my heart is broken..
Chrissy,
A relationship is an emotional contract that needs to be reworked from time to time. I'll quote the line from Annie Hall: "Relationships are like sharks… they move forward or they die."
On both sides we need to from time to time get out of our comfort zones to work at maintaining that sense of connection to adjust to all the changes that occur in our lives so we can renew the contract. It is truly sad after so many years we allow ourselves to drift to the point the connection is broken.
I so agree that a relationship needs to move forward… I was in agreement w/that in mine… The problem was that my 'better half' wanted me to be responsible for what he wanted and to me that is not a fair relationship….
Chrissy,
I misread your earlier post and did not understand that you are hurting right now. It sounds like you have made a decision regarding your relationship and right now you need time to heal. My heart goes out to you during that process.
The root of a plant must sit on a solid piece of ground or the rains and wind that give it life can also end that life. Pay close attention when those seeds of love and marriage are sown in order for the plant that it produces to be able to hold fast in even the worst of storms.
Cherrie,
I really like your line about "little cuts." There are so many cuts that keep adding up to major gashes, and without the reworking of the contract, it can be so hurtful, and often irreparable.
I am struck by the Annie Hall quote – I think I agree. Thanks,
Terre
Cherrie,
I want to confirm all the steps you mentioned on the blog. These are factual. Cherrie was treating my husband and myself for PTSD (2008).Cherrie gave us back our lives. We are so grateful for her purity and spirit along with that great desire to help people. Cherrie has a wonderful personality, joyful, with a keen sense of humor.