Self-sabotage can be described as an expressed desire that is in conflict with actual behavior. Behind that conflict are fairly complex emotions but generally fear is the driving force. The current podcast episode helps you recognize and break the patterns that have made self-sabotage your best friend.

Like it or not we humans are somewhat programmed to prefer the status quo and resist change no matter how beneficial. The trick then in dealing with self sabotage is to acknowledge there may be internal resistance when attempting something and learning how to recognize legitimate concern versus fear. Once the fear has been recognized, then finding a way to move beyond it. You may recognize some of these types of self-sabotage:

Fear of Success
American culture values success in the extreme, but success can be quite complex. As such, we worry that success will make us different from our friends, or that we will become someone we never liked. The first step is to begin to question the narrative you’ve laid out for yourself. Much as you might enjoy your friend from first grade do you always see the two of you going in the same direction? What happens when you start a family and he doesn’t? Some degree of change is bound to occur and your task is to manage it by accepting that you have handled other areas of your life and will deal with this too when the time arrives.

The same approach applies to starting a business: For women thinking small and asking why you feel you can’t handle something larger, then examining the strengths that have supported you so far. For men deciding to remain small to avoid the headache of running a larger company; is it you’re afraid to delegate and think you need to have your hand in every aspect of the company. These are mental exercises you can use to challenge your current thinking and flesh out the rational from the irrational.

Isolation and fear of being judged
Getting another perspective is one of the best means of managing your thinking. True, no one likes to hearing that their baby is ugly, but once you’re aware of it then maybe you can get the kid braces and a different haircut. This is where having a brain trust of people you can count on to supply supportive feedback can work miracles. They have no axe to grind and you trust their opinions.

Giving away your time too cheaply
If you work in an office you are well aware that there is always someone who wants to spend their time wasting your time. Despite tons of work you sit gamely through the details of their weekend adventures constantly sneaking a look at the clock and hoping they will get the hint. Or, you agree to do a time consuming project for a friend who thinks you should do it for free because “you understand that stuff”. Later, you find yourself resentful and behind schedule. Failing to establish boundaries means you fear appearing rude by telling the office wanderer or the cheap friend that your time is important. Try Placing a note on your door giving the times when you are available. Anyone who still comes in is told firmly but nicely that now is not the time and you’ll catch up with them later. And that cheap friend, tell them how much their job would cost if they paid out right, offer them a discount and explain you will have to work on it during your off hours which means it might take three weeks not a few days as they imagined. They now have the option of seeking out someone else or following the time schedule you’ve given.

Too much time weighing options or planning
I always smile when someone tells me about their five year plan because no sooner than they have said it we learn there’s an app for that. I’m not saying planning should go out the window but for some people planning becomes the end itself. There is simply no way to see around every corner and the fear of making a mistake begins to drive the paralysis by analysis. Pick a plan and develop a shortened timeline to accomplish it with the information you currently have and just begin. Every plan is great until it makes contact with reality. If there are glitches or the landscape changes you will shortly find out and still be able to make course corrections.

These points are not designed to point out all the complexities of conflict, listen to the episode to hear the complete list, but they should serve to give you an idea of how some conflicts develop. I hope they help you get back on track toward a sense of accomplishment and real meaning in life.

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