Squirrels are Rats with Better Outfits

I heard that line one day while watching Sex in the City and wasn’t quite certain what it meant but simply thought it was funny at the time. It brought to mind the funny image of some neighborhood squirrel wearing a Prada designer outfit. It wasn’t until I hung up a bird feeder that its true significance came home.

I think I mentioned that I built myself a pergola and spent my evenings enjoying the sweet meditation that comes with having a secret retreat. So sweet and so secret that one day as my mind was drifting off surrounded by the sight of sunlight, flowers and the sound of birds in the trees; I got the idea of hanging a bird feeder to add to the atmosphere. It would be the perfect addition to an already wonderful hideaway.

Ok Lowes, take my money… I sprang for the little bird feeder and hurried home to hang it, ready to experience all the joys of watching the different birds that would arrive for my free hand outs. Every evening I would sit under the pergola and watch the birds eat, tussle, and chirp as they gobbled the bird seed.

(Click the photo to get a better view of the pergola and the little bird feeder.)

This went on for quite awhile and then I began to notice that I was refilling the bird feeder faster and faster. I said to friends, “Those birds are really pigs and eating me out of house and home.” Another trip to Lowes for more bird seed… And then one day as I ventured outside, there hanging on to the bird feeder was a squirrel having an all you can eat buffet courtesy of my bird seed. The innocent squirrels I was accustomed to seeing in my backyard now became a menace. I would shoo them away thinking that they would get the hint and stop coming but they simply adjusted their tactics and waited until I went to work before they would check into the my backyard Golden Corral.

I’ve already told you how I watched one of the little devils climb up the tree and over to the branch where the feeder was tied and literally became the rope as he wrapped his body around it and climbed down to again ring the dinner bell. Once I shooed him away, he climbed just out of reach and gave me a look that said “I’ll be back”

At this point the WAR began…!!!

I now enlisted my youngest brother Billy in the war council. His great idea was to replace the rope with fishing line so the Terminator would not be able to grip if he tried to climb down. I re-hung the feeder using the fishing line my brother recommended and walked back to the house secure in the knowledge that this time the case was finally closed. You can imagine my shock the next afternoon as I headed for the pergola and there on the ground was the bird feeder. It seems the fishing line did work and the Terminator could not climb down. But, and it was a big but, he also figured out that if he simply ate through the fishing line, down would go the bird feeder and Golden Corral would once again be open for business.

I was beginning to feel like Elmer Fudd trying to fight Bugs Bunny and became obsessed with the Terminator. He occupied my thoughts day and night. I could no longer enjoy the pergola because periodically I would look over to the spot where the bird feeder once hung and realize I had been bested by a furry little creature with the brain of Einstein.

And then I thought back to one of the main concepts of Sun Tsu in the “Art of War”: know your enemy. A little research was now in order and of course I did what any lazy American would do, I Googled the Terminator! OK, Wikipedia. I learned they are smart little vermin who love bird feeders. The site suggested putting in a little cayenne pepper with the bird seed. Evidently most birds do not have taste buds and the pepper does not affect them but would drive the Terminator crazy.

I applied the dose of cayenne pepper and waited for the Terminator. He arrived soon enough and thought he was getting away with something as he dived into the birdfeeder. And then the fun began!

The cayenne has worked for now but I’m certain the Terminator is off somewhere in a tree plotting his next attack, and for now my birdseed is safe. So forget Prada… squirrels are nothing more than rats with better outfits.