We normally experience anger when there is a gap between what we expect and what we have. And we either need to find a way to satisfy our desire or accept with passive resignation (and an undercurrent of hostility) what we have. Passive hostility allows us to deny anger but sets us up for constant conflict.
So… the first step is to allow ourselves to admit our anger because anger is the expression of disappointment. In fact, disappointment is the primary emotion in most situations and anger follows as a secondary emotion. If you find someone who has difficulty with anger, you can expect them to have difficulty with disappointment.
Identifying the source of our anger means we have to be mindful of the emotion driving the response. Admit to yourself or if possible the other person that what happened was a disappointment. Then, immediately follow that up with some affirming statement: “I would prefer this or that” which opens the situation up for negotiation, or “I prefer that and this is how I will work to get it.” In this way our anger forces us to initiate steps that push aside disappointment and leads to positive action.
I remember when I was working on my backyard pergola in the summer heat and Alex who medically cannot stand the sun could not help me. Every time I found myself becoming angry at him I said to myself “No one can save me but me and I am angry because I want to be rescued from the work involved in the thing I desire.” Every time I reasoned this out I channeled my anger into determination to get this thing done!
When you plan to act in your own behalf, you get results. Results can be the practical outcome of being mindful of what moves you and then being able to express that anger. It becomes a sort of mental “I can do this!” and boosts your self worth. If you are not able to experience your anger, you will not get results. This is also why hostile or passive people have so little to show for their effort because they are stuck and moving forward is not an option.
So learn to love your anger… it’s trying to tell you something!
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hey, just came across your blog, by clicking 'next blog' in the toolbar, and glad I did!
Some really interesting reading, especially the tennis related/belief post.
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Ross,
Glad you found the latest post interesting. I look forward to you stopping by in the future.
Good stuff here! I'll be rereading this one often. Thank you.
First of all, I love the photos!.. That orchid makes me want to try again to grow one!..(the avocado is still alive and getting bigger)… Anger, yep I had it … I don't know if its age or my understanding me more but the anger just isn't there any more… I remember when I was younger how it would just consume me and maybe getting older I do realize I do not like using my energy that way… I find it easier to move on and have realized that I don't have control over whatever has made me upset….
Insightful…never thought about it that way before. Am going to put it to practice