I have not done a post in awhile because right after the first of the year I picked up a good number of clients through my work as a provider of Employee Assistance Counseling and really have been busy. The sluggish economy has trapped a good number of people in situations they have had to endure and the stress level has gone through the roof.
What is apparent with some of the people I see is that this is a fertile hunting ground for
what could be described as “the difficult boss.” Most of us at some point in our working lives will encounter this person. They are controlling and some are down right abusive. They seem to take pleasure in lowering your self esteem or making you live in constant fear. The fear centers around the fact that a supervisor has control over one of your most basic needs – the ability to pay your bills and put food on the table.
what could be described as “the difficult boss.” Most of us at some point in our working lives will encounter this person. They are controlling and some are down right abusive. They seem to take pleasure in lowering your self esteem or making you live in constant fear. The fear centers around the fact that a supervisor has control over one of your most basic needs – the ability to pay your bills and put food on the table.And so, I decided to post on some of the things you can do to deal with the difficult boss. But, before I do I also want to encourage you to take advantage of opportunities to learn a new skill or process. I know someone on a personal level who is trapped under an abusive boss but over the years when he could have increased his skill level just sat there and refused to learn anything new. He now has very little to put on a resume or even encourage a transfer within the company because he knows only one thing. And this is what the difficult boss trades on, you seeing yourself as a victim and having very little backup to attract another employer.
Tactic #1 Try not to react with emotion to harsh criticism
Sometimes it may take all your strength to not yell back that this is unfair or become excited but this can prove counter productive as it may cause a test of egos and difficult bosses have monumental egos and a lot more leverage than you. Try to dissociate yourself from your anger or take a deep breath and become numb to their behavior. I know it sounds like a weak response but it is a powerful tactic in that it robs the abuser of the very thing he wants which is a reaction.
Tactic #2 Take a proactive stance
Approach him/her in a friendly manner and ask for detail instructions on how they want things done. It gives them the impression that you have submitted and on an informal basis establishes the rules of the game. What they come up with may be overwhelming but at least you are now clear on what the requirements are.
Tactic #3 Gather the support of others
If there are supportive people you can turn to by all means do! I say that because one of the main results of dealing with a difficult boss is that it undermines your confidence and self esteem. It is reassuring to have someone to confide in to refute the poison attacks coming your way. Your support system can serve to boost your confidence and let you know it is not you but your situation, which is very important. They are also a good resource for information on how they may have handled a similar situation in the past.
Tactic #4 Manage the manager 
Everyone likes a pat on the back for good behavior and so does the difficult boss. Do what the animal trainers do and ignore bad behavior and reward the good. If you have watched any of those dog training shows, the first thing the trainer does is give the dog a treat when it has performed the trick. This may establish positive associations about you in the mind of the difficult boss. Another effective approach is “mirroring“: Smile or frown as they do or even assume a similar body position when they are speaking. Because people usually accept their mirror image with ease, mirroring the person speaking generally makes them feel more relaxed allowing them to open up. Try not to be too obvious about it but it does work.
The difficult boss is just that difficult and generally is something to be endured until you are able to apply for another situation or move within the company. But, I cannot over emphasis developing your skill-set in as many ways as possible… it gives you more options for movement.
Whatever we may think about the people over us, we'll never fully understand the pressures they face from their own bosses until we are in their shoes. That said, some people have what you might call a "difficult personality." and dealing with them requires skill as well as judgment.
Eric Berne, the psychologist who made transactional analysis a household term in the 1960s, identified three roles that people play: Parent, Child, and Adult. He said that when people behave like parents, it's natural for those around them to respond like children. For example, when your boss yells at you, it's quite natural to yell back. The way to break this cycle is to behave, instead, like an adult. Of course, this is much easier said, than done; but it is more effective than feeding the to-ing and fro-ing of the Parent-Child cycle.
So, the next time someone treats you as a child, treat them as an adult. Then watch how they suddenly have to adjust their own behavior to match yours. It will take practice on your part; but the more you do it, the better at it you will be.
Dr Bruce Hoag, CPsychol
Work Psychologist
http://www.p-advantage.com/Newsletter.php
Bruce,
Your point is well taken for the manager that is under the pressure of goals and deadlines and it does make sense to as you mention "walk a mile in their shoes." But for the purposes of this post we are talking about behavior that borders on bullying. Responding as an adult is a good approach for the above mentioned situation but my post is directed at those bosses for whom that approach is waving a red flag because they "only" see themselves as adults and powerful with subordinates that can "only" be children.
This was wonderful information, as usual. I am very struck by the idea that we can reverse how others treat us by treating them as we want to be treated. I have seen this work with varying levels of speed and efficiency since I became a manager/staff development director.
As a development director, I try to bridge the gap between staff and management as well as between performance and expectation.
And I can honestly say I love this job. Having borne the brunt of the boss bully in the past myself, I really enjoy being a part of dynamic and effective management.
Wonderful topic for a blog and well needed during this difficult time for many like myself who have found themselves unemployed. Your tips and wise words are very inspiring and I thank you for that. This blog was well worth the wait. I know that when one door closes another opens, If I hadn't lost that job I never would have had this time to enjoy my creativeness.