Previously in this Money Personality series we have touched on the more obvious spending personalities that are a 
staple of countless articles and discussions. However, for every spender half of a relationship it seems to be a general rule that they are involved with someone who is a total opposite. In a previous post I discussed what happens when opposites attract and as we venture into the other side of the equation of people who avoid spending, their differences become writ large.
The person who hoards or is overly cautious with money does not get the press that the spender generates but this person’s habits can be just as destructive to a relationship. It is just that they are more low key and not as overtly apparent as the spender type and living without the comfort of material possessions is the defining point of their lives.
We all have from time to time had as a friend or encountered someone with “The Monk” personality type. These are the people who will talk for hours about the moral and ethical reasons one should not spend money. They invest a tremendous amount of time and energy explaining why they are denying themselves what seems like basic things to the rest of us. Ralph Nader immediately comes to mind because despite the fact that he graduated from Harvard Law, held numerous university posts, and has assets in the millions; he still lives like a starving college student. He does not own a car, still uses a black and white TV, buys his clothes at thrift stores, and has been reported to have lived in a rooming house where he shared a bathroom at the end of the hall for several years. Or, the notoriously rich J. Paul Getty who despite his wealth installed a pay phone in his mansion. He is most famously remembered for his refusal to pay the ransom for his Grandson stating “I have 14 other grandchildren…” He only relented when he was sent an ear of the grandson by the kidnappers and even then only paid a portion of the ransom and loaned his son the remainder at 4% interest.
These self denying people live lives one would almost expect to see in a monastery. Their level of self denial can be so obsessive as to boarder on self punishment and masks a tremendous fear that money is the only armor that can protect them and they never seem to have enough armor. This person has a lot in common with the anorexic due to what could be considered perceptional distortion and no matter how much money they have there is always the sense that there is not enough even if there is.
Their script centers around deep seated fears that no matter how much they have “something” could come along and destroy their happiness. Worry is their constant companion and you can imagine the disruptions that can occur if this person is paired with a spender.
The Power of Beliefs
The Monk is not all bad and has to be commended for his degree of control yet we have to accept that not all of the 
fears are going to disappear. However, if enough of their belief system is challenged to allow even small changes, their lives and the lives of their significant others can improve.
In order to challenge the belief system they have developed one has bring into focus the level of powerlessness they have had to live with and how that springs from their actions.
- Begin by asking what they would have to see to know there is enough to help provide a sense of the specific to combat the unknown aspect of their fears.
- Highlight the positive aspects of their self control while illustrating areas that are specifically out of balance.
- Role play an occasional night out where they are allowed to reasonably spend and then determine how often you would like this to occur.
- Discuss with a spouse or trusted friend their earliest money memories and how they have translated into behavior in adult life.
Closing point
Again, it is important to remember no one performs these exercises and immediately becomes a new person. Start with small steps and begin to build from there. However, just beginning to understand the filters that each of these personalities uses to manage life situations opens a window into how they view the world and helps to give their behaviors a new context that can lead to major changes.